I can tell you the exact moment I felt the “Son of a Bitch Everything’s Real” fingers snapping in my face. It was while sitting in the car with my husband driving our son to a rehab. The driving rain was pounding against the car but strangely provided a sense of silence for which I was grateful. Staring out the window, turned away from my husband, tears dripped in slow motion down my face. I didn’t want to hear anything but the rain. I only wanted to be alone and to feel.
I couldn’t hang up the phone, I couldn’t put down the book, I couldn’t walk out of the movie, I couldn’t change the channel. This was happening and it was real. Son of a bitch.
This is the moment when we realize truth. Truth in the face of sudden fear of what is really going on in our lives and what is to come. It isn’t just one moment, but many moments where I have sat scared of the very sensation itself. In these moments I have made a commitment not to run from the realities in life, but instead to persevere even if I am not so sure I still want to uphold that commitment. In the past I had never let myself reach this moment. Instead I kept myself in my own delusional reality of what I wanted by drowning myself in drugs, in turn never having to reach this moment of feeling.
I cannot remember the specific moment I first felt this. What is important is what I do when I come to this sensation. Run away again, or learn to struggle well and march on.
This is the moment when I realize, “Son of a bitch. Everything’s real!”